Enjoy More Emotional Intimacy In A Marriage

happy couple embracing

This is a story about me messing up with my husband, and then how I fixed it – and built more emotional intimacy in the process. 



So one day, I just blurted this out to my husband (in a slightly accusatory tone) – 

 

“I want to know more about what was going on with you emotionally so *we* can feel more connected.” 

 

**(note: not my most graceful moment by any means)** 



See my husband doesn’t enjoy talking about emotions, but I thought I needed to change his mind. 

 

As you can imagine, his initial response wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. 

 

He was resistant (and I get it – I wasn’t being my best self!) 

 

The old me would have gotten defensive, and blamed him for not making any effort in our marriage.  

 

But instead of shutting down, and unintentionally bolstering his case for why these conversations about feelings are no fun, I got genuinely curious with him. 

 

So I took a deep breath and asked him where the resistance was coming from. 

 

And he opened up. He felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me – because I wasn’t attacking him.

 

I listened to him, asked him more questions – just because I love getting to know my husband on a deeper level. 

 

And what he shared only made me love him so much more. I reaffirmed the fact that he’s just a human, with his own demons to contend with. (We’ve all got ‘em folks!)

 

Being curious always saves the day – even though I don’t always get what I want.



Because in the end, I get to feel more connected to my husband – just because I get to know him on a deeper level.



And that’s what real intimacy and partnership is all about. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.

How One Simple Tweak Saved Her Marriage

Man and woman holding hands over coffee

When Nicki and I met, she was ready to give up on her marriage.

 

She was feeling so anxious and hurt around her stepkids. They regularly told her they hated her. 

 

And all of this was negatively impacting her marriage – Nicki and her husband would constantly blow up at each other about the kids. 

 

And hey, I get it. It’s not fun to have a child say I hate you – especially when you’re trying to build a loving relationship with this child. 

 

But here’s the thing about stepkids: 

 

They’re going to be the meanest to you, as the stepmom. ALWAYS. 

 

BUT – their cruelty doesn’t actually mean anything bad about YOU as a human. 

 

Their cruelty, disinterest, and misbehavior has NOTHING to do with you and lots to do with the trauma of their parents’ divorce and just normal childhood behavior. 

 

The stepmom is often the scapegoat for the stepkid’s pain. 

 

And that’s what I told Nicki. 

 

She really took my advice to heart. So every time her stepkids got upset at her, she just reminded herself that their behavior wasn’t personal. 

 

And in just 4 short weeks, she’s stopped avoiding her stepkids so much. And, she’s able to handle their outbursts, their attempts at cruelty, with a greater sense of calm and patience. 

 

Her marriage is no longer in trouble anymore either. There just isn’t as much to argue about since her stepkids are no longer such a huge source of pain and anxiety. 

 

This one simple tweak – depersonalizing her stepkids behavior – is saving Nicki’s marriage and her sanity. 

 

And here’s the best news: If Nicki can do it, you can too. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.

How she got over her sense of doom

Picture of a family - 2 parents. 2 Kids

So there it was, her family photo: Fiance. Her bio kids. Her stepdaughter. 

 

But something was off. 

 

Her kids’ faces were covered with magnets. 

 

At first she thought it was just a mistake and she simply moved the magnets. 

 

But after doing that about 8 times, she lost it. 

 

She felt like this family that she wanted to work, just wasn’t going to work. 

 

The arguments that ensued with her fiance after the fact nearly ended their relationship.

 

She felt doomed. 

 

She was jumping to the worst possible scenario – which is a very normal, human thing to do. 

 

But there were a few things she was forgetting. 

 

She was forgetting to consider the best case scenario: that things will work out anyways. 

 

She was forgetting about an in-between scenario: that sure, this might be a challenge to overcome, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the family she longs to have. 

 

Worst case.  

 

Best case. 

 

Middle of the road. 

 

All choices. One makes her feel doomed. Makes her totally shut down and contemplate leaving. The other two give her hope, and encouragement. They inspire a different type of dialogue with her fiance. One that’s much more solutions oriented. 

 

So I invited her to make a deliberate choice. The best choice for her, and her family. And lean into that. 

 

She instantly knew what her choice would be (hint: it wasn’t her doomsday scenario!). 

 

And sometimes this is all it takes: just having someone remind us of our options, to pull us out of our funk. So we can keep building the family life we all crave. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.