The secret hack to cutting marital arguments in half {part 1}

Couple embracing

It’s totally possible to cut your marital arguments in half. 

 

Want to know how? 

 

First things first: arguments happen because we react to strong negative emotions. In the heat of the moment we might feel angry, defensive, frustrated. 

 

Then, we lash out. Raise our voices. Say things we regret. 

 

The secret then? 

 

Remaining calm in the moment – no matter what our partners are saying to us. 

 

Now if you’re thinking well WHY on earth would I do that? Read on. Stick with me. 

 

Consider how you might behave differently if you were feeling calm… maybe you wouldn’t raise your voice. Maybe you’d explain yourself better. Maybe you’d ask more questions. 

 

Consider how your partner might then respond to you in turn, if you didn’t yell. Maybe he or she would calm down too. Maybe he or she would listen better. 

 

Imagine that the conversation would change entirely, and you’d be able to solve more problems instead of staying stuck in a martial stalemate.  

 

You could be the person who starts to shift your conversations from super tense, to more relaxed and loving. 

 

And if you’re thinking well how in the heck do I stay calm in the heat of the moment…

 

I have the solution for that too. 

 

It’s easy, and it just takes a little bit of practice. 

 

And I’m going to tell you about it next week, so stay tuned. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.

Elle’s story: Get over bio-mom drama in 60 minutes or less

Woman with head turned to side against a yellow wall

I love this – this is Elle’s story about how she got over her drama with the bio mom, without the ex changing at all. 

 

(and yes, it happened in under an hour!). 

 

Here’s where we started: 

 

During our first coaching session together, Elle told me she felt super anxious all the time around her husband’s ex.

 

She never knew how the ex was going to act – best friend or total enemy? 

 

And I get why she felt anxious – it’s normal in a situation like this. 

 

But I let Elle know that her ‘ex anxiety’ didn’t have to be the norm any longer.  

 

So I showed her how the ex’s words and actions weren’t actually personal. 

 

In Elle’s case, we discussed how the ex just wanted her ex-husband back. She was feeling jealous, and she was taking it out on Elle. 

 

I helped Elle see that she could literally be any woman – and she still would have been treated the same way by the ex. 

 

Over the next couple of days, Elle practiced reminding herself of one simple truth: It’s not personal.

 

This idea brought a lot of relief to Elle – not just in our conversation but in real life, with the ex, too. 

 

Later on that week at a gathering, the ex came over to Elle and made a comment about how great her husband was looking. 

 

Elle normally would have felt threatened by that type of comment but instead she just smiled and agreed: “Yea, you know what? He does.”

 

I love how one simple idea helped Elle so much. And sometimes, that’s really all it takes. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.

The #1 thing that changed my marriage for the better

couple holding hands

A few years ago, this was me: Defensive, unappreciated, anxious stepmom + wife.  

 

Who enjoyed a nightly glass (or two) of wine. 

 

Who preferred to *avoid* rather than hang out with the whole gang (husband + 4 kiddos) 

 

(if this sounds like you too, you’re not alone!) 

 

Then, I discovered something totally surprising and relieving about the way stepfamily relationships actually worked.

 

See the part of our minds that is wired for survival actually makes things harder for us in our stepfamilies. (yes. stick with me!): we married a man or woman we truly love, but then there are these *strangers* (the stepkids) who are *intruding* on our romantic relationship + our sense of peace and well-being in our own homes. 

 

My survival brain was flagging my stepkids as legit threats – which maybe would have made sense back in the day when we were literally fighting for our lives, but today, not so much. 

 

Ok so here’s the good news: while part of the human mind is wired for survival, there’s another part that’s more sophisticated. It’s good at things like rationalizing, long term planning. 

 

(otherwise, we’d all just be stuffing our faces, watching Netflix + makin’ babies all day long) 

 

So using this knowledge, I reminded myself that my stepkids weren’t actually a threat – my survival brain was trying to protect me, but it was misguided. 

 

And then I got to work on solving things – I found support, ditched the wine, and learned how to override my survival brain so I could communicate better with my husband, and feel at peace no matter how crazy sh*t got in my house with 4 kids. 

 

And here’s the best news: I’m NOT more capable than you. All you need is a human brain, and the right tools and approaches for overriding your survival brain so you can enjoy more peaceful and connected stepfamily relationships too. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.