The real reason you can’t stop arguing

Woman looking angry sitting on bed

If you want to stop arguing with your spouse, I can help you. 


So many of us think the reason we argue with our partners is because of our stepkids, or how our spouses parent them. 


Our stepdaughter always talks back, and we’re tired of feeling disrespected.


Our stepkids struggle with their chores and we want more support from our spouses to enforce the rules. 


But what our stepkids or spouses do isn’t the real reason why we argue. 


It is possible to discuss our issues calmly, and compromise or at the very least, agree to disagree. 


The REAL reason we can’t stop arguing is that we react to strong, negative emotions instead of allowing our emotions to be there. 


We get angry or frustrated, and we lash out with our partners. 


No one has ever taught us how to stop reacting and allow our feelings instead.  


Allowing means we stop doing these things: 

  • Pushing down our feelings until we explode

  • Avoiding our feelings by scrolling through social media, numbing out with food or alcohol, or hiding in our rooms

  • Reacting by yelling, or saying things we later regret.


Allowing means we instead: 

  • Understand our emotions are harmless – they are just simple chemical-hormonal processes that make us feel a tightness in our chest or churning in our gut

  • Let the uncomfortable tightness or churning just be there in our bodies

  • Take some slow deep breaths 


Once we allow our feelings to just be there, we can show up calmer, and have conversations that are much more likely to lead to compromise. 


Allowing our feelings is a game-changer.

It takes 2 to argue – and we can be the ones to completely change the dynamic. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.

You must read this if you resent your stepkids

woman who looks upset

I know that you don’t WANT to resent your stepkids. Of course you don’t. Resenting people feels crappy. 


But then you look at their behavior -the backtalking, the not listening, the fighting for Mommy or Daddy’s attention…


And you feel resenting them is your only choice. And I totally get it. 


(Note: If you feel this way, I promise there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.) 


The problem, however, is that resenting our stepkids breeds more arguments, and more distance between us and our partners. We’re overly critical, defensive, and dismissive. 


Having a strong and passionate and lasting marriage – one that can withstand all of ups and downs of stepfamily life – happens when we stop resenting our stepkids. 


So you’re probably wondering – how in the F do I do that when my stepson is so rude to me? And when my partner doesn’t see it? 


It starts here: 


We have to first start spending just as much if not more time focusing on what’s already good in our marriages, and in our relationships with our stepkids versus what sucks and what isn’t working.  


Of course, it sucks when our partners don’t back us up in parenting. But it’s also really incredible when they support us in our decision to switch careers or be a stay at home mom. 

Of course, it’s hurtful when our stepkids talk back and are disrespectful. But it’s also really amazing when out of the blue they say I love you, or when they genuinely want to know how our day was.  


And…you’re probably like so I’m supposed to ignore everything else?!? 


No. Just give equal air time to what’s already good. 


When we spend more time focusing on what’s good, we feel calmer. We enjoy the time we spend with them so much more. We argue less with our partners because we’re not hyper-focused on what’s wrong. 


There is no magic pill for a more loving, and intimate marriage. It starts with small tweaks exactly like this one – and focusing on what’s good and what’s working is something we can all tap into right now. 

P.S. Want to know more? I created a free training to help you create better relationships with your stepkids and spouse. It's really good. Click the button below to watch.