I have to tell you about my client Keely. She’s a stepmom of one teenage daughter and a bio-mom too.
And she’s a rock star.
Here are the 3 normal, human mistakes she was making at home before we met, and how she fixed them –
Mistake #1:
She was lashing out and reacting to her strong negative emotions like frustration, anger, and outrage. Her reactions started and escalated so many arguments at home.
Solution #1 and why it worked for her:
I showed Keely her behavior was very normal simply because of how our minds are wired. And then I taught her a few simple mind-body techniques to instantly calm her brain and body down, and process her negative emotions.
So, whenever something happened at home that Keely got upset about (like finding a vape pen in her stepdaughter’s room) – she’d pause, and notice how she was feeling.
Then, she’d simply take some slow, deep breaths and remind herself: “I don’t need to react. I can process my emotions first, and then deal with the situation calmly and effectively.”
Mistake #2:
She felt like she couldn’t connect to her stepdaughter anymore because of a big fight they’d had, as well as her stepdaughter’s misbehavior at home.
Solution #2 and why it worked for her:
I taught her how to stop taking her stepdaughter’s behavior so personally, and show up as the supportive, and loving stepmom she wanted to be deep down no matter what – who still enforced healthy boundaries and consequences.
Keely learned all about the psychology of her stepdaughter: why she was misbehaving and what it actually all meant so that it was super easy for Keely to stop taking things so personally.
Then, she started normalizing her stepdaughter’s experience of the world – because hell, this is what all kids, and probably all adults want to hear: I get you. You make sense. I love you. This allowed her stepdaughter to open up more, and for Keely to feel more connected in turn.
And now, when Keely addresses her stepdaughter’s misbehavior (re: vape pen above), she’s calm, supportive, and firm. She feels like their relationship is back to the place it was before she and her husband officially blended their families.
Mistake #3:
She used blame and demands in her arguments with her spouse.
Solution #3 and why it worked for her:
I taught her the simple art and science of powerful and influential communication with a spouse or partner.
In conversations, she learned how to separate out the neutral, objective facts from her own opinions, and how to present them to her spouse in a way that lowered HIS defenses.
She learned how to ask for his perspective too – rather than assuming bad intentions. And then I showed her how to shift the conversation to focus more on mutually agreeable solutions – rather than continuing to argue about the problem. She hasn’t had a blow-up with her spouse in months as a result.
