Recently one of my clients was talking about how she hates being her husband’s 2nd…

It was his: 

 2nd wedding 

 2nd honeymoon 

 2nd time witnessing the birth of his child

She confessed to me that all of these major life milestones didn’t feel as important and exciting – simply because they had already happened for him once before.  

And thinking like this made her feel really sad, and unimportant. 

And it’s true – 

It was his 2nd honeymoon, marriage, child…

But more importantly, it was also THEIR…

 first marriage together.

 first honeymoon together.

 first child together.

And…she was forgetting another really important thing: 

 Second doesn’t mean BAD. 

And sometimes, second can be even BETTER than first. 

(Because well…her husband’s first wife cheated on him, and he’s now happily married to my client – his 2nd wife).

And so next time…when you start to feel down about being #2…

Just remember: 

 Second doesn’t mean it’s bad. 

 And second can be even better than the first. 

Before officially marrying my husband and becoming a stepmom of 4 kiddos, I had read that I shouldn’t discipline my stepkids because I will forever damage our relationship and scar the children. 

 So fast forward to me being at home alone with 4 kiddos between the ages of 4 and 9 who all needed to eat dinner, go to bed, and then be ready for school the next morning.

And I remember thinking: Um…that advice is absolutely ridiculous! 

After several years of coaching stepmoms, and learning what works best in my family and countless others…well…

 I still think that advice is totally wrong. 

The truth is that children need rules and structure to feel safe at home. 

And, it’s not the ACT of disciplining that hurts relationships  – 

it’s HOW we discipline our stepkids that matters the most. 

When we’re feeling so angry and frustrated and then immediately go into punishment mode, and start taking away all of their toys, privileges, etc…

👆👆 THAT kind of discipline isn’t effective {And if this is you…it’s a totally normal human thing to do!}

In this situation, the kiddo can sense the intensity of our emotions, and they’re literally going into a ‘fight or flight’ state. 

And they’ll be much more likely to freak out on us, push back, be defiant, or totally ignore us.  

But…

When we feel angry or frustrated or outraged by something our stepkids did…and INSTEAD of immediately going into punishment mode…

We take some deep breaths. 

We count to 10.

We collect our thoughts, and recognize the behavior isn’t personal…

And then we calmly enforce a consequence…

👆👆 THAT kind of discipline works so much better over time.  

Because when we are feeling calm, our stepkids feel safer and calmer too, and they’re going to be more receptive to what we have to say. 

And the beautiful thing is that calming down, and feeling grounded when we discipline is 100% in our control. 

It just takes a simple moment of pause to bring us down from our outrage. 

It just takes a simple reminder that their behavior isn’t personal…they’re doing this because well…they’re kids. 

So just consider… it’s 100% possible to have connected and fulfilling relationships WHILE disciplining our stepkids. 

And with a few small adjustments on our end, it’s a done deal. 

What if I told you there was just one simple skill you could master…

to enjoy a happy, lasting marriage to your partner, and truly cherish your time with your stepkids?

If you just read that and you’re like: what?! That sounds crazy. 

I know! It’s a bold claim! But stick with me. 

And no..this skill has nothing to do with your partner, the ex, or your stepkids changing. 

I wish I could help you with this! But no human can control another human. You’re only in control of you. 

So what gets us into the most trouble in our relationships is when we react to our feelings of frustration, anger, or anxiety – 

 When we yell or lash out, we say things we regret. 

 When we shut down, we hide out in our rooms, or stay late at work and then miss out on key moments to genuinely bond with our family. 

All because no one has ever taught us how to process, and allow our negative feelings, instead of reacting to them on autopilot. 

This is a really simple skill that we can all learn. 

And when we learn how to stay calm while having a really difficult conversation with our partners…then we can actually come up with solutions together. 

When we learn how to calmly parent our stepkids even when they backtalk, or say cruel things…that’s when they actually start to listen to us more. 

When we learn how to stay calm and collected even when bio-mom tells our stepkids not to like us….that’s when we win. And we take our power back. 

And no…I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t have negative feelings. They’re all valid! 

Your feelings matter – the good, the bad, and the ugly  

But…with this one simple skill, the bad and the ugly emotions no longer have to dictate the quality of your relationships. 

No matter how intensely you might feel right now…you still have a human brain that is 100% capable of learning this skill. 

And when you master it… 

 You will enjoy more inner peace. 

 And a happy, lasting marriage. 

So the other day I got some really shocking news. 😞

And I had all the feels about it – confused, overwhelmed, sad, ashamed. 

At first, I was like: I don’t know how to handle this. Too many feelings! This is awful! 

And then I remembered something…

It’s OK for my life to suck sometimes. I’m a human. This is part of the deal. 💖

And then I decided to host a legit pity party for myself – 

I said: OK. We’re gonna sulk about this for 15 minutes. Let’s go! 

I took out a pen and paper and wrote down everything that was going on. 

I cussed. I got teary-eyed. 

And after my 15 minutes was done, I took some deep breaths, and told myself:

“OK. This sucks. It happened. Now what?”

So I made a plan. 

And, even if I couldn’t change the sucky thing that happened…

I realized that I am 100% in control of:

✅  how I respond – I can choose to yell, or not

✅  my attitude about what happened & how to handle it – I can remember: this is hard, and I can do hard things

Just acknowledging what I can control👆 👆 👆 …made me feel so much relief.  

So, sometimes, life brings you to your knees: 

💥 Bio-mom throws takes you to court unexpectedly

💥 your stepkids ‘accidentally’ set fire to your back patio (yes, this has really happened to one of my clients!)

💥 you have the nastiest fight ever with your partner 

When this kind of stuff happens, there’s no point in trying to convince yourself you shouldn’t feel so awful (that’s called toxic positivity!)

But there is so much in your control (your response, your attitude). 

And maybe for you that looks like: 

✨ I don’t need to send that text/ email/ yell at my partner right now…I’m gonna take a bath/go for a walk/ journal instead. 

✨ I don’t have to make this awful thing that happened mean something bad about me as a parent, or spouse.

✨ No matter what, I can handle this. I can do hard things. 

You’ve got this. 

I have to tell you this story about my brilliant client, Amanda. 

Amanda is a stepmom, just like you and me. 

When we first met, this is what she told me: 

👉 “I was feeling like I was trapped, I couldn’t handle my anxiety, my life was being controlled by others, and I wasn’t recognizing I was causing my own torment. I was arguing with my spouse all the time, and I thought our marriage was going to end if something didn’t change. And on top of it, I thought I was a horrible stepmom, and too emotional. I was judging myself so harshly.” 

So, through our work together, I helped her: 

✅ Process all of her anxiety and sense of helplessness in a really healthy and productive way – so that could stop lashing out so much, and enjoy much calmer days. 

✅ Communicate more powerfully and influentially with her spouse, without all the arguing. I helped her figure out what to say, and how to say it so that she was building intimacy rather than walls with her partner. 

✅ Stop beating herself up for feeling anxious, and how she was parenting her stepdaugher, so that she could stop feeling so ashamed of herself, and start to genuinely enjoy her life. 

Amanda did the work. 

She applied the tools. 

And here’s what happened for her by the end of our time together: 

“Now, I embrace who I am, and the things that I struggle with. I know I have control over how I feel and act, and react to things. My life is better, and I’m happier when I just process my emotions instead of judging them. Things that sent me over the edge before…I handle them now with no problem. 

 💕 With my spouse, I’m more sympathetic to his insecurities and I’m not taking things so personally. Our relationship is better than I thought it could ever be now. I can genuinely say now that he’s my best friend. We are the safest now with each other.” 

When she shared just how good her relationship had gotten, I was blown away (and moved to tears!)

The beautiful thing about Amanda’s story is that she was ready to give up her marriage. 

And now, she gets to enjoy staying happily married to her best friend. 

Simply by making a few simple tweaks on her own.  

So no matter how much you’re struggling right now…

What Amanda has is possible for you too. 💖