
If you’re in the midst of a sudden or ongoing marital challenge, you’re not alone.
{In fact you may even be thinking..um Kristin – what stepmom isn’t!!??}
But I have good news:
It’s possible there is ONE simple tweak that you can make today to create more sustainable peace and happiness in your marriage.
I’m thinking about one woman in particular who’s an excellent example of this –
When this person first came to me, she wanted more boundaries with the ex, and more structure in her home during her husband’s custodial time –
And she and her husband fought about this all the time.
She was feeling anxious, guilty, and incredibly stressed – to the point where she was having a lot of trouble sleeping through the night.
And the first thing that I let her know was this:
It’s not that you’re wrong for wanting more boundaries and wanting more parenting structure.
But, at the same time, the WAY you’re doing it isn’t working – it’s just causing more arguments.
And ultimately, we cannot control your husband.
So what if there’s a way for you to feel happier, and more at peace, and argue way less with your husband –
regardless of whether or not he meets your expectations?
She was game.
And after a little gentle exploration, we uncovered that she was taking her husband’s choices really personally –
Any time he wouldn’t set a boundary with his ex, or would be reluctant to enforce certain rules with his daughter – my client started spiraling with thoughts like this:
“Well, he does this because he doesn’t care about me!”
And this line of thinking was actually the root cause of all their arguing at home, as well as her emotional distress.
So I offered her this simple idea: it’s possible he’s not trying to intentionally hurt you here.
So whenever her husband didn’t enforce a rule or boundary at home, like so many men {eh hem…Disneyland dads} in his shoes… he was simply overcome with guilt or insecurities from the separation and divorce.
Period.
And with that, every time my client’s husband didn’t enforce a rule or boundary, my client practiced:
taking some slow deep breaths, and
simply reminding herself that her husband’s decisions are about him, and his own guilt, and fears, and not actually a reflection of how he feels towards her.