I know how anxious you might feel before your stepkids come over. 

And heck maybe you feel that way before they leave too depending on your situation. 

All of that anxiety is very normal. 

But having your stepkids come over, or dealing with a difficult transition afterward, isn’t actually the root cause of your anxiety. 

The real reason you feel so anxious is that your brain is anticipating and worrying about all of the bad things that may or may not actually happen. 

Things like: 

My spouse and I will fight again. 

My stepkids won’t listen. 

I will feel left out. 

These things MAY happen for sure. 

But being anxious about them doesn’t actually prevent them from happening – it just makes you feel…well…anxious. 

So the solution then? 

Expect the kids not to listen – and then plan ahead of time for how you’ll handle it on purpose. 

Expect that you’ll want to nag your spouse or start a fight – and then decide ahead of time what you’ll do instead 

So when your mind wants to wander and think about all of the bad things that may happen on transition days, you can remind yourself: “Yep. And I can handle it. I’ve got a plan.” 

If you want to stop arguing with your spouse, I can help you. 

So many of us think the reason we argue with our partners is because of our stepkids, or how our spouses parent them. 

Our stepdaughter always talks back, and we’re tired of feeling disrespected.

Our stepkids struggle with their chores and we want more support from our spouses to enforce the rules. 

But what our stepkids or spouses do isn’t the real reason why we argue. 

It is possible to discuss our issues calmly, and compromise or at the very least, agree to disagree. 

The REAL reason we can’t stop arguing is that we react to strong, negative emotions instead of allowing our emotions to be there. 

We get angry or frustrated, and we lash out with our partners. 

No one has ever taught us how to stop reacting and allow our feelings instead.  

Allowing means we stop doing these things: 

• Pushing down our feelings until we explode

• Avoiding our feelings by scrolling through social media, numbing out with food or alcohol, or hiding in our rooms

• Reacting by yelling, or saying things we later regret.

Allowing means we instead: 

• Understand our emotions are harmless – they are just simple chemical-hormonal processes that make us feel a tightness in our chest or churning in our gut

• Let the uncomfortable tightness or churning just be there in our bodies

• Take some slow deep breaths 

Once we allow our feelings to just be there, we can show up calmer, and have conversations that are much more likely to lead to compromise. 

Allowing our feelings is a game-changer.

It takes 2 to argue – and we can be the ones to completely change the dynamic. 

I know that you don’t WANT to resent your stepkids. Of course you don’t. Resenting people feels crappy. 

But then you look at their behavior -the backtalking, the not listening, the fighting for Mommy or Daddy’s attention…

And you feel resenting them is your only choice. And I totally get it. 

(Note: If you feel this way, I promise there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.) 

The problem, however, is that resenting our stepkids breeds more arguments, and more distance between us and our partners. We’re overly critical, defensive, and dismissive. 

Having a strong and passionate and lasting marriage – one that can withstand all of ups and downs of stepfamily life – happens when we stop resenting our stepkids. 

So you’re probably wondering – how in the F do I do that when my stepson is so rude to me? And when my partner doesn’t see it? 

It starts here: 

We have to first start spending just as much if not more time focusing on what’s already good in our marriages, and in our relationships with our stepkids versus what sucks and what isn’t working.  

Of course, it sucks when our partners don’t back us up in parenting. But it’s also really incredible when they support us in our decision to switch careers or be a stay at home mom. 

Of course, it’s hurtful when our stepkids talk back and are disrespectful. But it’s also really amazing when out of the blue they say I love you, or when they genuinely want to know how our day was.  

And…you’re probably like so I’m supposed to ignore everything else?!? 

No. Just give equal air time to what’s already good. 

When we spend more time focusing on what’s good, we feel calmer. We enjoy the time we spend with them so much more. We argue less with our partners because we’re not hyper-focused on what’s wrong. 

There is no magic pill for a more loving, and intimate marriage. It starts with small tweaks exactly like this one – and focusing on what’s good and what’s working is something we can all tap into right now. 

For many of us, the holidays can make us feel super anxious.

And it makes sense – many of us are not only dealing with the stress of gift buying and meal planning but we also have the added stressors of stepkids who maybe don’t love us that much, or don’t listen, or refuse to eat anything we put on the table.  

And truth be told, it’s much harder to control what’s outside of us (the holidays during a global pandemic, what our stepkids say or do) than what’s inside of us. 

The good news is that we can control how calm we feel in this very moment without changing a single thing about our stepkids, or the holidays in general. 

If you’re thinking – well how on earth do I do that – stick with me. I’ve got you. 

It all starts with our breath. Literally. If you can breathe, you can cut your anxiety by half at any moment. 

So the next time you feel anxious (and heck, maybe you’re feeling anxious right now)…

Just notice how the emotion feels in your body.  

Now take a slow, deep inhale through your nose, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Do this for a few minutes until you physically feel your body relax a bit. The tightness will be less intense. The heaviness will lift. 

So yes, that’s all it takes. And you can notice your emotions and breathe slowly whenever the heck you want… 

And instantly feel relieved and way less anxious this holiday season. 

I’ll be the first to admit it.

It totally sucks when our stepkids ignore us, exclude us, or treat us like second class citizens. 

It can make us feel rejected and humiliated like no other. 

And of course we feel that way. We’re trying to build a bond with them. We feed them, bathe them, help out with homework. Buy them gifts.

And then we get treated like an outsider in our homes.

Being treated this way can come with the territory of being a stepmom sometimes.

BUT the good news is that there’s something we can do to make it better right now – and it doesn’t even depend on the kids changing their behavior (which will take time, and patience). 

See the reason their behavior can sting so much is because we personalize it. If we get ignored or excluded, we make it mean we’re not important, or there’s something wrong with us. 

So making things better starts with a simple reminder: It’s not personal. 

When our stepkids treat us unkindly, it doesn’t mean we’re bad parents, or unimportant and unworthy of respect.

What it means is that the kiddos are feeling insecure, jealous, or threatened, and we’re an easy target. The stepmom always is. We could literally be any other woman, and the treatment would be the same. 

We don’t have to condone their behavior, but we also don’t have to make it mean something horrible about us. 

And this is something we can do all on our own, and instantly experience more peace. 

All it takes is a little reminder: it’s not personal. 

It’s totally possible to cut your marital arguments in half. 

Want to know how? 

First things first: arguments happen because we react to strong negative emotions. In the heat of the moment we might feel angry, defensive, frustrated. 

Then, we lash out. Raise our voices. Say things we regret. 

The secret then? 

Remaining calm in the moment – no matter what our partners are saying to us. 

Now if you’re thinking well WHY on earth would I do that? Read on. Stick with me. 

Consider how you might behave differently if you were feeling calm… maybe you wouldn’t raise your voice. Maybe you’d explain yourself better. Maybe you’d ask more questions. 

Consider how your partner might then respond to you in turn, if you didn’t yell. Maybe he or she would calm down too. Maybe he or she would listen better. 

Imagine that the conversation would change entirely, and you’d be able to solve more problems instead of staying stuck in a martial stalemate.  

You could be the person who starts to shift your conversations from super tense, to more relaxed and loving. 

And if you’re thinking well how in the heck do I stay calm in the heat of the moment…

I have the solution for that too. 

It’s easy, and it just takes a little bit of practice. 

And I’m going to tell you about it next week, so stay tuned. 

I love this – this is Elle’s story about how she got over her drama with the bio mom, without the ex changing at all. 

(and yes, it happened in under an hour!). 

Here’s where we started: 

During our first coaching session together, Elle told me she felt super anxious all the time around her husband’s ex.

She never knew how the ex was going to act – best friend or total enemy? 

And I get why she felt anxious – it’s normal in a situation like this. 

But I let Elle know that her ‘ex anxiety’ didn’t have to be the norm any longer.  

So I showed her how the ex’s words and actions weren’t actually personal. 

In Elle’s case, we discussed how the ex just wanted her ex-husband back. She was feeling jealous, and she was taking it out on Elle. 

I helped Elle see that she could literally be any woman – and she still would have been treated the same way by the ex. 

Over the next couple of days, Elle practiced reminding herself of one simple truth: It’s not personal.

This idea brought a lot of relief to Elle – not just in our conversation but in real life, with the ex, too. 

Later on that week at a gathering, the ex came over to Elle and made a comment about how great her husband was looking. 

Elle normally would have felt threatened by that type of comment but instead she just smiled and agreed: “Yea, you know what? He does.”

I love how one simple idea helped Elle so much. And sometimes, that’s really all it takes. 

A few years ago, this was me: Defensive, unappreciated, anxious stepmom + wife.  

Who enjoyed a nightly glass (or two) of wine. 

Who preferred to *avoid* rather than hang out with the whole gang (husband + 4 kiddos) 

(if this sounds like you too, you’re not alone!) 

Then, I discovered something totally surprising and relieving about the way stepfamily relationships actually worked.

See the part of our minds that is wired for survival actually makes things harder for us in our stepfamilies. (yes. stick with me!): we married a man or woman we truly love, but then there are these *strangers* (the stepkids) who are *intruding* on our romantic relationship + our sense of peace and well-being in our own homes. 

My survival brain was flagging my stepkids as legit threats – which maybe would have made sense back in the day when we were literally fighting for our lives, but today, not so much. 

Ok so here’s the good news: while part of the human mind is wired for survival, there’s another part that’s more sophisticated. It’s good at things like rationalizing, long term planning. 

(otherwise, we’d all just be stuffing our faces, watching Netflix + makin’ babies all day long) 

So using this knowledge, I reminded myself that my stepkids weren’t actually a threat – my survival brain was trying to protect me, but it was misguided. 

And then I got to work on solving things – I found support, ditched the wine, and learned how to override my survival brain so I could communicate better with my husband, and feel at peace no matter how crazy sh*t got in my house with 4 kids. 

And here’s the best news: I’m NOT more capable than you. All you need is a human brain, and the right tools and approaches for overriding your survival brain so you can enjoy more peaceful and connected stepfamily relationships too. 

This is a story about me messing up with my husband, and then how I fixed it – and built more emotional intimacy in the process. 

So one day, I just blurted this out to my husband (in a slightly accusatory tone) – 

“I want to know more about what was going on with you emotionally so *we* can feel more connected.” 

**(note: not my most graceful moment by any means)** 

See my husband doesn’t enjoy talking about emotions, but I thought I needed to change his mind. 

As you can imagine, his initial response wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. 

He was resistant (and I get it – I wasn’t being my best self!) 

The old me would have gotten defensive, and blamed him for not making any effort in our marriage.  

But instead of shutting down, and unintentionally bolstering his case for why these conversations about feelings are no fun, I got genuinely curious with him. 

So I took a deep breath and asked him where the resistance was coming from. 

And he opened up. He felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me – because I wasn’t attacking him.

I listened to him, asked him more questions – just because I love getting to know my husband on a deeper level. 

And what he shared only made me love him so much more. I reaffirmed the fact that he’s just a human, with his own demons to contend with. (We’ve all got ‘em folks!)

Being curious always saves the day – even though I don’t always get what I want.

Because in the end, I get to feel more connected to my husband – just because I get to know him on a deeper level.

And that’s what real intimacy and partnership is all about. 

When Nicki and I met, she was ready to give up on her marriage.

She was feeling so anxious and hurt around her stepkids. They regularly told her they hated her. 

And all of this was negatively impacting her marriage – Nicki and her husband would constantly blow up at each other about the kids. 

And hey, I get it. It’s not fun to have a child say I hate you – especially when you’re trying to build a loving relationship with this child. 

But here’s the thing about stepkids: 

They’re going to be the meanest to you, as the stepmom. ALWAYS. 

BUT – their cruelty doesn’t actually mean anything bad about YOU as a human. 

Their cruelty, disinterest, and misbehavior has NOTHING to do with you and lots to do with the trauma of their parents’ divorce and just normal childhood behavior. 

The stepmom is often the scapegoat for the stepkid’s pain. 

And that’s what I told Nicki. 

She really took my advice to heart. So every time her stepkids got upset at her, she just reminded herself that their behavior wasn’t personal. 

And in just 4 short weeks, she’s stopped avoiding her stepkids so much. And, she’s able to handle their outbursts, their attempts at cruelty, with a greater sense of calm and patience. 

Her marriage is no longer in trouble anymore either. There just isn’t as much to argue about since her stepkids are no longer such a huge source of pain and anxiety. 

This one simple tweak – depersonalizing her stepkids behavior – is saving Nicki’s marriage and her sanity. 

And here’s the best news: If Nicki can do it, you can too.